Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My new favorite thing

For the past couple of weeks Iris has been sleeping in the co-sleeper in Matt's room at night. I have suddenly become a patient, well-rested mama and my new favorite thing is seeing Iris first thing in the morning. Usually Matt carries her in to my room all sleepy eyed, gripping her blankie, so she can lay down with me and have nursies before starting her day. When her tummy is full, she gets up and is off and running. I love how excited she is to start every new day. I wonder at what point do children anticipate anything other than excitement when getting up in the morning. Everything is new for her, everything is fun, and most importantly, nothing is depressing. Some day, probably sooner than I think, I will try to wake Iris up and be met with resistance. The prospect of staying in bed will be far more enticing than any alternative.

It's been so fun for me to try and look at my day through her eyes instead of dreading all the chores, going to work, or worrying about the myriad of things that bog me down every day. Instead I join Iris in the thrill of eating frozen blueberries for breakfast, for the millionth day in a row, actively participate in her morning drum practice, and savor the stillness of nursing her when she gets tired and ready for her nap.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Don't Tell Matt. . .

. . . but I am DESPERATE for another baby! It seems all around me mamas are pregnant with their second child and I suddenly have baby envy. I don't want to BE pregnant, I DEFINITELY don't want to give birth again, but damn it, I want another baby! Every day it seems like Iris is getting to be such a big girl. She is so independent and has to do everything herself! I feel like she went from being a dependent tiny little thing to a big grown up girl over night. *sniffle* I am missing the baby stage!

Of course, logistically, if we want more children, the sooner the better, right? Poor Matt has to attempt to temper my ability to go off the deep end with any big ideas I come up with, I am sure he would like to wait on this one as long as possible! I am trying to come up with ways of convincing him that it is a fantastic idea that another baby comes ASAP, but up until now he has dodged every single one of my overt hints. Sigh.

In other news we have started to have serious talks about moving. It's getting further and further out of our relm of possiblity to even live in a bigger apartment in Seattle, let alone buy a home. It seems like if we moved to Milwaukee there would be many more opportunities for us to have everything we want-- the home, the yard, the 2.5 children and white picket fence. Of course, planning a move feels incredibly overwhelming. Timing job opportunities, money, housing choices, a possible baby? Suddenly there is a whole lot that would take up all that time I am saving by quitting nannying.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I can't watch the news

I am only slightly ashamed to say that I don't really know what's going on in the world, or with the hurricaine Katrina. I try to watch the news, read the newspaper, but I can't. Now that I'm a mother, and I believe this is true of all mothers, it physically hurts to let myself become too entrenched in the tragedy. What if it were my family? My heart truly is hurting. I think about how Matt and I complain about how little we have, how much we need new things. It feels so petty, like we have such trivial worries, in comparison to what these people are going through because of natural disasters.

We haven't really talked about what we are going to do to help. I am sure a donation will be made to the Red Cross. I would like to be able to set an example for my daughter, of how important it is to share what you have with people who are less fortunate, or victims of horrible circumstances. I have never been that good at donating my time or money to any causes. That wasn't something I was raised with, I'm actually not sure why. I want to instill those values in Iris, however, I wish I knew where to start. For some reason I don't think writing a check every time there is a natural disaster is sending the right message. I guess it's not exactly the wrong message, either.

It's interesting how having a child makes you a better person, if for no other reason than it's important to model how to actually BE a better person. Her eyes are on me, even now while Iris is so young, looking to me as her first example of how to carry herself in the world. Whew! What responsibility. Anyways, that's too broad of a concept to think about right now while my heart is so heavy.