What a shitty weekend. I'm really worn out! The weekend, well, actually just Sunday, is my only day of the week to get any kind of rest. It wasn't happening today.
Not a terribly uncommon occurence, Matt and I got in a huge fight. I always made it a goal to never really delve it to personal stuff I go through with him on my blog (cause that will ALWAYS come back to bite me in the ass!) but I did figure that my inner thoughts make good blogging fodder. So, where do I begin . . .
It's really frustrating for me to get in disagreements with people. I truly consider myself someone who strives to get along with people, no matter what. I hate fighting and I hate to have conflict with people, but I'm not about to be bullied or taken advantage of, either. Especially now that I'm a mother, I consider it extremely important to avoid any unneccessary conflict and if I find myself in the middle of it, to keep it away from Iris. This is so fucking hard. Cause I'm a passionate woman. So if someone gets in my face, I am not going to back down. Sometimes the "get in my face" occurs when Iris is in the room and mama can't just shut her mouth. My absolute hands down number one thing I detest most about my mothering is not keeping my mouth shut around Iris when I am mad. And I can see it, I can see this vision of the perfect mama angel hovering above me, first whispering, then speaking normally, then SHOUTING at me to "SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY YOU'RE INFINITELY SCREWING UP YOUR CHILD!" but I can't, or else I just don't, and then I end up feeling like the worst mother of all time. Pretty much exactly how I feel now. The other hard thing for me about being a mama is that I couldn't care any less what a single person on this earth feels about me, except for Iris. Knowing that she hears awful things being said about me, and hears awful things coming out of my mouth is just about crippling. Obviously some day, well before I am ready, she will come to learn I'm not perfect. But I sure as hell don't want to be driving her to that conclusion any faster than she is going to get there naturally.
When this happens, some days I have the guts to talk to her, and tell her how sorry I am for acting the way I did in front of her. Other days I look at her and feel so horrible I can't even find the words so I try to be super mama and hope I'm erasing her memories of anger and replacing them with memories of stories and songs and hugs and kisses. Neither of these "solutions" quite feels right, however. The right solution is to not do it anymore. To put the same force in to protecting my daughter from what she doesn't need to be a part of as I put in to my anger.
Being a mama is hard work, huh? I'm sure this is no where near the hardest of it, but currently, this is my struggle. How to be the most perfect mama to her I can be in spite of being a screwed up human being. At any rate, I'm going to keep trying. I mean, of course I am. That's what I do.