Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Reflections on this pregnancy

While at yoga tonight I was starting to realize how little I actually reflect on the little person in my tummy and who she is and how she is going to fit in to our family. Right now I focus so much on Iris, of course, and how all of this is going to affect her. I rarely have time to turn inwards and be more present with the baby. I suppose this is a really common thing that mamas in their second (or more) pregnancy deal with. Honestly it feels like the only time I do connect with the baby is at yoga, and sometimes before I fall asleep at night. Even at night, however, I usually use the time to read.

Most of the time when I am focusing on the pregnancy it's more on the logistics, like prenatal appointments, getting ready for the birth, making sure we have enough money, making sure we have all the gear we need, etc etc. I just remember when I was pregnant with Iris I was constantly in touch with my body, and thinking about the baby and how life would be after she was here. It was just such a different experience. My last pregnancy was worlds different than this one, I was single, didn't have any friends with children to rely on, knew of very few people on the internet to connect with (unless you count all the bullshit I encounterd on the babycenter message boards) and the most marked difference, I didn't have a walking, talking toddler to give every ounce of my energy and love to.

And give my love and energy to her I do . . . to the extent that I wonder where the love and energy will come from when the next baby is here. I always hear that your heart just grows, expands to fit all of your children, and I certainly don't doubt that is true, but I struggle with how I will know the best way to divide my attention. Iris is VERY good at letting me know when she needs me. She has from day one! I fear that I the next baby will be so laid back that Iris will continue to run the whole show (to the deteriment of the new baby getting enough attention), or that the next baby will be just as strong willed as Iris, and I'll collapse under the pressure of responding to both of my children's needs.

Basically, I really need to purposefully take more time with this pregnancy. This will be my last, and however much I don't enjoy being pregnant, there is still so much mystery and magic associated with pregnancy, it would be very sad to some day reflect on this time and wonder where it all went.

4 comments:

  1. I know how you feel, I remember feeling the same..
    I went through many changes when I was pregnant with Colin (buying a house and dealing with the terminal illness of my dad) I really didn't take the time to connect with the pregnancy as much as I did the first time around. I really think that it is normal but I understand how weird it feels. I even didn't feel pregnant much of the time (beside scatia etc)

    I have to say though, as much as I didn't connect as much with the pregnancy the second time around, the second he was born it all went out the window. He was my son... love really does expand and grow and it happens in an instant... and the feeling of doubt becomes so hard to imagine...

    I do agree that it is important to take more time with your pregnant self, especially as you said she will be your last.... even if it the few minutes you are in the shower or laying in bed before drifting off....

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  2. With my second pregnancy I also found myself concentrating less on the baby, i had less time to do so! I worried a lot about how she would fit into our family, how my older daughter would feel and where *I* would fit into the entire equation (outside of milk cow and neutrel mediator. Things won't necessarily fall right into place, there will probably be a few bumps, but when you see your babies together, you will wonder how you ever lived with only one.

    remember to take a few belly pictures for this one too. With my oldest we documented every few weeks, with the second one i barely remembered to take a few at the end

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  3. I can imagine how you feel. I had some serious issues a while back when thinking about having a 2nd and the balance, dividing attention, etc.. But I do trust it happens.

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  4. Me too! I spent much less time with my second before she was born than I did with my first. And the first couple of weeks were pretty rough, especially with tandem nursing, but we found our way.

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