While at yoga tonight I was starting to realize how little I actually reflect on the little person in my tummy and who she is and how she is going to fit in to our family. Right now I focus so much on Iris, of course, and how all of this is going to affect her. I rarely have time to turn inwards and be more present with the baby. I suppose this is a really common thing that mamas in their second (or more) pregnancy deal with. Honestly it feels like the only time I do connect with the baby is at yoga, and sometimes before I fall asleep at night. Even at night, however, I usually use the time to read.
Most of the time when I am focusing on the pregnancy it's more on the logistics, like prenatal appointments, getting ready for the birth, making sure we have enough money, making sure we have all the gear we need, etc etc. I just remember when I was pregnant with Iris I was constantly in touch with my body, and thinking about the baby and how life would be after she was here. It was just such a different experience. My last pregnancy was worlds different than this one, I was single, didn't have any friends with children to rely on, knew of very few people on the internet to connect with (unless you count all the bullshit I encounterd on the babycenter message boards) and the most marked difference, I didn't have a walking, talking toddler to give every ounce of my energy and love to.
And give my love and energy to her I do . . . to the extent that I wonder where the love and energy will come from when the next baby is here. I always hear that your heart just grows, expands to fit all of your children, and I certainly don't doubt that is true, but I struggle with how I will know the best way to divide my attention. Iris is VERY good at letting me know when she needs me. She has from day one! I fear that I the next baby will be so laid back that Iris will continue to run the whole show (to the deteriment of the new baby getting enough attention), or that the next baby will be just as strong willed as Iris, and I'll collapse under the pressure of responding to both of my children's needs.
Basically, I really need to purposefully take more time with this pregnancy. This will be my last, and however much I don't enjoy being pregnant, there is still so much mystery and magic associated with pregnancy, it would be very sad to some day reflect on this time and wonder where it all went.