As I attempt to practice my hypnosis for birth tape I am always struck by how simple the message is that I am hearing. I can be strong, confident, calm and without fear during the birth of this baby. Well, that's all fine and good, but considering my last birth I was a flailing mess and the eptiome of what every birthing woman should be striving to NOT look like, this simple message often feels like a giant load of crap to me. I shouldn't be admiting this. I mean, we are spending a good deal of time and money on this birthing techinique, and damn it all, it better work! But I can't quite figure out how I'm going to get over the fact that the rosey picture of birth that my tape is painting is so far from my experience, it truly is comical.
I want to believe the message. I absolutely, down to my soul want to believe I can be strong, confident and calm during the birth of this baby. I have so many fears wrapped up in what this experience is going to hold for me, I wonder if I'm just kidding, or at the very least sabotaging, myself.
It is interesting to me how women work through their birth fears and go from having one bad experience to having one amazing one. My sister is one of those people. All the drugs and all the problems with her first to the second being so "easy" that she has said she could have had her son at home unassisted. I should have tapped more in to her brain about how was able to go there. And many, many women have this experience. How? Do they just really have an easy birth the second (or subsequent) time around or have they prepared themselves so thoroughly that they are ready for any challenge thrown at them? Of course, it could very well be a combination of the two.
My strongest birth fear is that I'm going to have to be transferred to the hospital again. Now, if I were to be transferred for an unavoidable emergency, okay, I could probably live with that, but I have this sinking feeling I'm be the first woman in history to be transferred twice because I just couldn't get through it. I'll be calling everyone from the hospital saying "yep, I'm back here again." And the fear isn't even so much that I would get transferred, it's that I now feel like I CAN'T get transferred. Like I already used my "get out of jail free" card or something.
I keep having these surreal moments of looking around my bedroom and the rest of our apartment while thinking to myself "this is where I'm going to have this baby!" I start to imagine myself in labor, or where the birth tub will be, or where the baby will be born. I imagine all the people here who will be helping with the birth. I think it helps me to visualize the birthing space as often as I need to. When I was at the birth center last time I had a hard time imagining that is where my baby would be born. Not suprisingly, she wasn't born there, but in a hospital I had never set foot in until I was late in to my labor.
There are so many things that will be different this time around. I hope it's enough. I hope that these are the pieces I need in place in order to make this all work.