It's been creeping in for a little while now, but I am pretty sure I have caught full fledged breast envy. I've talked a little bit in my blog about the "issues" I have with lugging around gigantic boobies, but as time goes on, my issues are just turning in to complete hatred of the size of my chest. My sister had a breast reduction surgery about a year and a half ago, and I am pretty sure my envy stems from A) seeing how great (and small!) her boobies are, and B) hearing her talk about how glad she was she had the surgery.
I've always been heavy chested. Until Iris was born, I was fairly okay with being a DD cup size. I could still just barely fit in to the awesome bras at Victoria's Secret even if I couldn't ever really wear a normal button up shirt or anything even remotely in fashion on my top half. After Iris was born I struggled with what to do for bras and never found the right blend of form, fit AND function. Several months ago I bought two very expensive nursing bras that fit me well. At that point I was up to an F cup size, so these bras weren't easy to come by. They were, however, pretty and they fit me. I figured I would get lots of use out of them with another nursling on the way. I am now growing out of these bras. God, what would that make me, a G?!?! I am pretty sure it's because my milk is "coming in" (although I'm not exactly sure how that works since I'm already nursing, but whatever). I wear two bras at once now to keep everything in place. My nursing bra and then a cotton sports bra type thing over the top. I know, at least freakin' hope, that they will go back down after nursing is established with the new baby, but who knows. What if they don't? At least now they're not TOO huge compared to my giant belly, but without the belly to temper the boobies, I'll look and feel absolutely ridiculous.
I want a breast reduction surgery. I want it so badly I'm scared it's going to seriously affect the nursing relationship I will have with the next baby. My sister admitted to me that she had issues nursing because of being uncomfortable with the size of her breasts. I always thought "why the heck would that bother you?" but now I know. I really, really know. In my ideal world I would be a B cup. At the most. I want to be able to run free without a bra, let alone two at the same time. I struggle with the vanity of a surgery like that, but now I just don't care. I can't imagine getting to a place where I am okay with never being able to buy normal clothes, normal bras, normal swimsuits. A place where I am comfortable with the size, weight and unwieldly-ness--the sheer magnitude-- of the masses on my chest.
It's conflicting to feel so proud of my accomplishments breastfeeding and at the same time so angry towards the breasts that have nourished one child for over two years and will nourish the next baby for hopefully as long. I look at them with disdain and yet also thank heavans that they have been as good to me and my babies as they have. I am curious if there are many staunch breastfeeding advocates out there who feel similarily about their breasts. I'll bet if I start asking around on mothering.com I'd maybe find a few. It woudl be interesting.