Obviously, every day is full of firsts for Eloise. Of note, she had her first bath yesterday as well her very first trip to Target (which of course she slept through, therby missing the excitement). Already she feels so big to me, already growing too fast. This newborn stage is amazingly precious. It's like every moment you have to drink it in and slather it all over yourself because in a blink, it's gone. I swore on my life there would be no more children, and unless I find myself a decent man (and I know they exist! I've seen them with my own eyes!) it's out of the question, but there is nothing like a newborn to kick start those breeding hormones. Sigh. She is just so unbelievably tiny and beautiful. It literally makes me cry sometimes when I look at her.
Of course, I cry more than usual these days. Sometimes over the amazing love I have for my two little girls and how could I possibly be so blessed as to be their mama, sometimes over my anger at their father and how he could care so little about his family. It's incredibly naive of me, I know, but every time he sees his daughters I have this feeling like this time it will sink in with him. This time he will finally think to himself "holy shit, what am I doing throwing this all away?". I honestly expect that to happen. I really do. I'm such a sucker.
Every day it sinks in a little more that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. Through the end of the pregnancy, then the birth, and now raising these two girls, I couldn't imagine the strength it would require, but amazingly, it's inside of me. I work really hard to not let outside stresses not interfere with the relationship I have with my girls. I couldn't imagine a more stressful time to be nuturing a newborn, but honestly, it's going beautifully. Yes, the laundry is a bit backed up, and yes, the dog was only let out twice the whole day yesterday, but my little babe couldn't be more loved. My older daughter has had lots of time to play and enjoy her new sister and nurse and snuggle. I think co-sleeping has really helped make sure I stay close, physically and otherwise, with both of them. At night I wedge myself in between my sprawled out toddler and my sweet smelling bundle of baby and just lie there feeling like there is no where else in the world I would rather be.