I don't know if things are just really different this time or what, but I feel like I'm on this insane emotional roller coaster this time around. I know it's hormones, partially, but it's also just, well, life.
Eloise was born so much earlier than I anticipated, it feels so wierd still that I'm not pregnant. It is strange to me that all the planning and anticipating and wondering and worrying-- poof! It's all in the past. I look around my bedroom and obviously vividly remember the night she was born, but feel sad that those amazing moments already are getting stuffed in to the past. The tub is long gone, the room is well cleaned, life is back to normal. My body is in that big poofy tummy phase. All of a sudden, the huge belly was gone. I don't remember the last time I took notice of my pregnant belly. Eloise is so beautiful and amazing. I love her to pieces. Already, though, she's just a family member and is just fitting right in to the craziness of our lives. Hell, she's just a few days old and already got to witness her father treat me like a piece of crap (of course, she was privvy to much more in the womb). Yep, welcome to the world, baby girl!
My heart is breaking because the whole event, the birth, this time after the birth, it's supposed to be, it SHOULD be, this really magical, beautiful time of revelling in our new family. I feel so robbed of this precious time, and I feel that Eloise and Iris are robbed, too. I've had so much amazing support from my friends, but it's still not the same as having a tight little family of love to sink in to.
It's amazing how physically I've been feeling after the birth, as well. I fully anticipated that nursing Eloise would be super easy simply because I was still nursing Iris. Not really. Now, she nurses like a champ, but I wasn't prepared for my nipples to hurt, for the engorgement, for the gigantic cantaloupes. It sucks. My nether regions are still sore. I'm tired and thirsty.
I'm just far too emotional, too. One second I'm crying because of all the bullshit, the next I'm so overjoyed with happiness at the love I feel for this new little being.