Sunday, August 20, 2006

Whew.

I don't know if things are just really different this time or what, but I feel like I'm on this insane emotional roller coaster this time around. I know it's hormones, partially, but it's also just, well, life.

Eloise was born so much earlier than I anticipated, it feels so wierd still that I'm not pregnant. It is strange to me that all the planning and anticipating and wondering and worrying-- poof! It's all in the past. I look around my bedroom and obviously vividly remember the night she was born, but feel sad that those amazing moments already are getting stuffed in to the past. The tub is long gone, the room is well cleaned, life is back to normal. My body is in that big poofy tummy phase. All of a sudden, the huge belly was gone. I don't remember the last time I took notice of my pregnant belly. Eloise is so beautiful and amazing. I love her to pieces. Already, though, she's just a family member and is just fitting right in to the craziness of our lives. Hell, she's just a few days old and already got to witness her father treat me like a piece of crap (of course, she was privvy to much more in the womb). Yep, welcome to the world, baby girl!

My heart is breaking because the whole event, the birth, this time after the birth, it's supposed to be, it SHOULD be, this really magical, beautiful time of revelling in our new family. I feel so robbed of this precious time, and I feel that Eloise and Iris are robbed, too. I've had so much amazing support from my friends, but it's still not the same as having a tight little family of love to sink in to.

It's amazing how physically I've been feeling after the birth, as well. I fully anticipated that nursing Eloise would be super easy simply because I was still nursing Iris. Not really. Now, she nurses like a champ, but I wasn't prepared for my nipples to hurt, for the engorgement, for the gigantic cantaloupes. It sucks. My nether regions are still sore. I'm tired and thirsty.

I'm just far too emotional, too. One second I'm crying because of all the bullshit, the next I'm so overjoyed with happiness at the love I feel for this new little being.

5 comments:

  1. Oh, I can relate to those first few days (and months honestly) of emotions... I do hope you find the blissfull feelings appear more than the other. How wonderful that your girls have YOU.

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  2. Yes, definitely more bliss than sadness, but wow--the range of emotion!

    Speaking of adventures in babywearing-- I've gotten brave enough to try to carry Eloise in a couple of different slings. Still getting the hang of it, but I LOVE wearing babes in slings, so it's pretty fun :)

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  3. Hooray for slings! Imogen wouldn't go for slings when she was an infant; we Baby Bjorned til she was three months but it's been slings ever since! Friends of mine are expecting their first baby in November, and they've been practicing slings with their cats! Amazingly, the cats love the sling too!!! My cats would lose it, and I'd lose lots of skin!

    I hope the emotional upheaval settles soon for you. I was extremely emotional after Imo which made a lot of things very, very difficult. And I didn't have to deal with a rotten ex-boyfriend. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things get better.

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  4. Hope you're doing well today, mama! I'm sure the emotions will reel themselves in soon, you've been through so much, try to fucus on those blissful feelings :)

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  5. I was way more emotional in the days after the birth of my second too. The only thing that got me through was the mantra that "everything will work itself out"-and two years later, it totally has. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, know it's mostly the hormones, and have faith in yourself and your sweet little family of three now. Just take it one day at a time.

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