Thursday, October 05, 2006

One-way ticket to a padded room, please

The past few days have been difficult. I've just become so overwhelmed and over extended. Nothing is even really happening, specifically, just the usual. I couldn't be more exhausted. It sucks because I knew if I could just get a break, even a small break, I'd be fine. Unfortunately there's no breaks in sight. Matt went to the co-op parent meeting on Tuesday night so he was here for literally 30 minutes. Last night we went to counseling, and took Eloise, so I had zero time where anyone helped that day or where I got a break from parenting. Tonight? Well, Matt's playing basketball. Haven't seen him all day. As much as I want to be happy for him that he's doing something healthy, I'm just positively seething that he can do a single fun thing at all, and I'm home with the girls about to tear my hair out. We were supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow night, and poor Melissa (who was going to babysit) is sick again, so I don't feel comfortable with her watching Eloise. I'll be with the girls the entire day, yet again, without a break. Matt has to go to the wedding, it's his good friend who is getting married. I don't even want to go to bed tonight for fear that tomorrow is another day at home alone, without a break, that I don't care to face.

I wish this baby would sleep. She must have gotten wind that I was bragging about her on the internet and decided to put a quick end to that! Now she won't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time during the day. If she's not sleeping, she's fussing. I spend more time trying to get her to sleep than she spends sleeping. I wish I cared more but right now I want to put her in the other room and close the door and drown my day in a bottle of Jim Beam. I put her in the sling to try and calm her earlier and she was so pissed she was clawing my chest and screaing. I could feel my anger just boiling over. My back feels like it's going to break in two from bouncing her on the stupid exercise ball. It's the only way to keep her even remotely happy, it seems. I vowed to not use the ball this time, after how many hours I spent on it daily with Iris, but I don't know what else to do. It's the easiest fix.

My older daughter was pretty good today. At the end of the night I made the mistake of closing my eyes for a couple of minutes to get some rest and she managed to color all over the floor. I had already told her several times to pick up the pile of crayons on the floor, so I was none to happy. I just told her to go to bed. It was the kindest thing I could think to do in the moment, actually. She and I decided to set up her bed again this afternoon (you should see me put together an IKEA bed one handed, with a screaming infant in the other arm while a toddler tries to "help"), so now she's in there sleeping in her bed. I had wanted it to be a really nice transition, helping her to go to sleep. I was too upset with her and couldn't get Eloise to calm down for even a moment so I could collect myself and lay Iris down.

I hate that I feel this way. I feel like I'm not supposed to, like if I was a better mother I wouldn't. I would like my children 100% of the time and be so thrilled to be their mother every moment of every single day. But I don't think mothering should be like this. Mothers shouldn't be sequestered to their homes for days on end with no real outside interaction or any help at all. It leads to insanity. I am, in fact, certain of it. I'm about two seconds away from needing to be shuttled to the looney bin myself. Hmmm, do you get a hot shower in there? A meal in peace? That might not be half bad!

This weekend Matt's mom is coming for a visit. I'm turning over a new leaf and trying to feel really positive about the visit and having yet more responsibilities when all I want to do is run away. They are all taking me out for a birthday dinner, which I am excited about. I like dinner. Maybe between the whole family I can get them to watch the girls so I can do something alone.

7 comments:

  1. Just wanted to let you know that I think you are an AMAZING mom. I frequently feel exactly the same way-totally stretched, and like if I was a better mother I'd always be thrilled to be with my children-and I have a husband who comes home almost every night to help me! I think you are AWESOME!!! The way you are feeling is natural, especially with the twists and turns of an infant. There are days when I'm jealous of my husband's "free" time at work-"did you sit, and eat lunch, and have a conversation with other adults while you ate? Well, that's more than I got to do today..."

    Sometimes, walking away and giving yourself a time out for a few minutes is the best thing you can do for your kids. I'm totally, totally thinking about you, and hoping that Eloise goes back to her sleeping ways soon.

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  2. Hi there. I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago. I'm in Seattle as well although living a fairly different lifestyle but with the same kind of wanting-to-run-away kind of feelings every once in a while. You're totally normal both as a mom and as a person - sometimes we all want to give up and we feel bad about not being good enough and all that. I don't know if this comment is helpful at all, but please stay positive and feel proud of everything that you are doing!
    Take care.
    -A.

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  3. *whispering in the gentlest way possible* try cutting out dairy. and, get you to a drug store or health food store, and pick up some 5 HTP (natures own seretonin, safe for nursing mamas) and some cod liver oil (for the omega 3s you are losing to the bambino.)

    nak, sorry for odd syntax and typos.

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  4. Thanks for the support! It always helps to know that other mamas have been there, too.

    This is just a spectacularily rough week. It also wasn't *supposed* to be, so I just wasn't mentally prepared for it.

    Thanks for the suggestions on dietary changes, J. I am working extremely hard on cutting out sugar. I initially started to do it to help with weight-loss, but in the past few weeks where I at tons of sweets every day, I've seen how bad it really has been for my health. I know sugar highs and lows contribute negatively to emotional health, too. I should take more CLO, but I just hate the stuff! Blech. If the other things I am doing don't work, I will give it another shot.

    I think, mostly, I just need a mental break every day, or every other day at the very least. I'm no supermama :(

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  5. I think you're a great mama!
    EJ screamed and tantrumed for an hour straight today. I seriously felt like just leaving the house and going far far away. I also had a glimpse of what child abusers must feel - not that I could ever do that but I had a glimpse. At least it felt like I could start screaming profanities back at her for a moment there.

    If I weren't still trying to get my strength back from surgery I would totally babysit tomorrow :(

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  6. I can also say that I feel like running away quite often. And as a sugar addict, I can say that when I manage to cut it out, I feel way calmer. Eating lots of fruit helps with the transition. Another thing that has helped me with the stress is an adrenal support supplement called Phytisone (safe while breastfeeding.) My ND recommended it after confirming that I did in fact have low adrenal function and thus impaired ability to deal with the stress of life.

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  7. Oh, I so wish I lived near you to be able to help you out for a bit. Vent away and I hope it get better.

    Despite how it feels, I think you are doing a fantastic job.

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