The past few days have been difficult. I've just become so overwhelmed and over extended. Nothing is even really happening, specifically, just the usual. I couldn't be more exhausted. It sucks because I knew if I could just get a break, even a small break, I'd be fine. Unfortunately there's no breaks in sight. Matt went to the co-op parent meeting on Tuesday night so he was here for literally 30 minutes. Last night we went to counseling, and took Eloise, so I had zero time where anyone helped that day or where I got a break from parenting. Tonight? Well, Matt's playing basketball. Haven't seen him all day. As much as I want to be happy for him that he's doing something healthy, I'm just positively seething that he can do a single fun thing at all, and I'm home with the girls about to tear my hair out. We were supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow night, and poor Melissa (who was going to babysit) is sick again, so I don't feel comfortable with her watching Eloise. I'll be with the girls the entire day, yet again, without a break. Matt has to go to the wedding, it's his good friend who is getting married. I don't even want to go to bed tonight for fear that tomorrow is another day at home alone, without a break, that I don't care to face.
I wish this baby would sleep. She must have gotten wind that I was bragging about her on the internet and decided to put a quick end to that! Now she won't sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time during the day. If she's not sleeping, she's fussing. I spend more time trying to get her to sleep than she spends sleeping. I wish I cared more but right now I want to put her in the other room and close the door and drown my day in a bottle of Jim Beam. I put her in the sling to try and calm her earlier and she was so pissed she was clawing my chest and screaing. I could feel my anger just boiling over. My back feels like it's going to break in two from bouncing her on the stupid exercise ball. It's the only way to keep her even remotely happy, it seems. I vowed to not use the ball this time, after how many hours I spent on it daily with Iris, but I don't know what else to do. It's the easiest fix.
My older daughter was pretty good today. At the end of the night I made the mistake of closing my eyes for a couple of minutes to get some rest and she managed to color all over the floor. I had already told her several times to pick up the pile of crayons on the floor, so I was none to happy. I just told her to go to bed. It was the kindest thing I could think to do in the moment, actually. She and I decided to set up her bed again this afternoon (you should see me put together an IKEA bed one handed, with a screaming infant in the other arm while a toddler tries to "help"), so now she's in there sleeping in her bed. I had wanted it to be a really nice transition, helping her to go to sleep. I was too upset with her and couldn't get Eloise to calm down for even a moment so I could collect myself and lay Iris down.
I hate that I feel this way. I feel like I'm not supposed to, like if I was a better mother I wouldn't. I would like my children 100% of the time and be so thrilled to be their mother every moment of every single day. But I don't think mothering should be like this. Mothers shouldn't be sequestered to their homes for days on end with no real outside interaction or any help at all. It leads to insanity. I am, in fact, certain of it. I'm about two seconds away from needing to be shuttled to the looney bin myself. Hmmm, do you get a hot shower in there? A meal in peace? That might not be half bad!
This weekend Matt's mom is coming for a visit. I'm turning over a new leaf and trying to feel really positive about the visit and having yet more responsibilities when all I want to do is run away. They are all taking me out for a birthday dinner, which I am excited about. I like dinner. Maybe between the whole family I can get them to watch the girls so I can do something alone.