I pretty much like to call my mom a million times a week. Just to say hi, or see what she is up to, or ask a question. Today I was simply calling to beg my mom to please come out and stay with me while Matt leaves on a business trip that is coming up soon. No such luck, unfortunately. She isn't going to be able to make it. As usually happens during my conversations with her lately, it turned to the thoughts about moving to Milwaukee. Interestingly, she doesn't really get too excited about it, but rather mentions how great it is where we are, how much we would we leave behind if we moved back, etc etc. Yeah, sometimes my mom doesn't always say the things I want to hear. She was, however, talking about how my brother wants to move back to WI from New York City. She was saying how expensive it is there, how they can't get ahead, blah blah blah, to which I responded "so pretty much all the same reasons we want to move back, huh?". I thought it odd that she seemed more supportive of my brother's choice to move back than ours, but that's just how she is. Hopefully she understands a little bit more, now. At any rate, living back in the midwest with my whole family there would be so fantastic. Well, that is until we all grow to hate each other and have to retreat to the farthest reaches of the country again. hee hee.
One interesting turn in the conversation settled on all of the drama that has occurred between Matt and I in the past. We have had more than our fair share of ups and downs, the most recent of which occurred during the last two times I have been pregnant. Coincidentally, last night was one of the roughest nights I have had with both the girls in a long, long time. As I was up with both of them for two hours in the wee early hours of the day I was just getting more and more crazy, like out of my body crazy, just feeling so full of anger about the situation and it felt like my brain and emotions were totally out of control. I don't know why that happens to me, but in situations like that I at least can step back and say "oh, I'm just super sleep deprived and frustrated with the girls not sleeping and pissed off that I don't have anywhere else for Iris to sleep so that she can stop waking up the baby (and vice versa)." I was remembering this feeling of being totally out of control crazy as pretty much how I felt through both of my pregnancies. I get there on and off when I'm especially sleep deprived and/or frustrated, but never for very long. Not like, say, nine months. So, this brings me back to the conversation with my mom. We were talking about the stuff that has happened in my relationship and she pointed out how it seemed to correspond to my pregnancies. She mentioned how I had a hard time taking care of Lily and even Iris, at times. I said, yeah, I think that being pregnant certainly made me crazy in the head. I had recognized it before, but no one ever picked up on what was going on and offered to help me. It was so validating that, for the first time ever in my life, anyone I was close to actually acknowledged what a crazy mess I was directly relating to being pregnant and newly postpartum. My mom, of all people, was the first person to ever say that to me. On top of all of it, I felt like I was even crazier for even thinking I had been crazy. It felt like everyone would just point fingers at me and say I was being a terrible person, which I very well was at times, but no one ever, once, said, you know, you're just a little too cuckoo and everything around you is falling apart. Maybe there is something going on here that is beyond normal. My mom said it was a shame that no one could step in and see that, because I sure as hell couldn't see it, I was in the middle of it, after all. Things might have turned out a lot different had I had the right support while I was pregnant. Sigh. Well, I absolutely will not be having any more babies, so that sort of solves that problem. I am so glad that my crazy pregnancy hormonal haze lifted not too terribly long after Eloise was born and life could carry on again. I hope that if anything like this should happen to me again maybe at least my mom will be clued in to what's going on. That's one of the tricky things about being crazy in the head, you lose your capacity to even realize it's happening. There are some things that really almost require someone else to try and pull you out of, mental illnesses and addictions are two that I am pretty familiar with, but I am sure there are more.
It sort of reminded me of when I started college and I was super depressed and having all sorts of weird issues, including suicidal tendencies. It wasn't until I took a whole bunch of pills one day and called my counselor in a panic that I finally got the help I needed. I guess sometimes things need to get really, really shitty before the signs are super clear that a person is just out of their mind and need some help. I just hope that the end of being pregnant also closes the end of those issues for me. Hopefully nothing will resurface again in the future.