Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Feeling defeated

So, I haven't mentioned this, but Matt's been out of town for just over a week. I hate being home without him so I especially don't like broadcasting it to the world that he's gone. He'll be home tomorrow and his sister will be here tonight spending the night with us.

Where do I start?

As usually happens when Matt goes away for a business trip, everything falls apart. Even though we were well aware this happens and actively tried to keep it from happening this time, everything fell apart again. I hate to be so defeatist and am trying super hard to be more positive, but it's true. I wanted to be able to write about how I rocked this whole temporary single mama thing, but I didn't. Tuesday night went fine. Melissa came to watch the girls so I could attend a mandatory meeting. It also felt like a little break, so that wasn't so bad. Eloise started to come down with a cold the next day. She had a rough time sleeping because of it, so I had a rough time sleeping. I came down with a cold on Thursday, as well. Thursday was also the day Iris woke up with all of the bites that we had to have looked at to make sure it wasn't chicken pox, so she missed school that day. That night Matt's sister (okay, on a side note, I'm going to start referring to her as my sister-in-law, or SIL, because you know, for all intents and purposes, that's what she is, and it's easier to write!) so my SIL came that afternoon. It was sooooo wonderful to have another adult here to talk to. She helped us out so we could go to Iris' friend's birthday party. Hooray for free dinner and a party! SIL spent the night that night and on Friday I was supposed to have a playdate with a mama and her son from school. The very first playdate I have ever had (aside from the ones with the only mama I knew from before school) with another family from school-- in almost two years of attending with Iris. So, we had it planned, and I call her and leave a message, and I never hear back. I still haven't heard back. Should I call again? I don't know. Now it's weird. I hate that. Friday night Matt's mother came in to town (my MIL, you following?). I was so excited that she could come. We've had some rough interactions in the past and I was thrilled to have it be just her and us and be on a good page and enjoy spending time together. Friday night was rough, I got five hours of sleep. Saturday we spent going to the mall and to the party I mentioned in my previous post. Not too much sleep Saturday night, either. MIL leaves on Sunday. I immediately started freaking out. She was so helpful while she was here and it was such a nice visit. Sunday night I started feeling some anxiety stuff coming on, but I just sort of tried to breathe and deal with it. I couldn't get to sleep until 2:30 am because I was just sitting up and freaking out. Every time I laid down I would feel sick and like something really terrible was going to happen. I basically couldn't go to bed until I was was too exhausted to stay awake any more. On Sunday I had emailed our entire school asking if I could pay anyone to help out with Iris on Monday so I could have a break. Total responses? One, but she didn't call until late afternoon Monday and Iris was already napping and the mama only had a very small window where she could have watched Iris, anyways. Things wet drastically down hill that night. Around the time I started putting the girls to bed I felt very sick. I couldn't even really deal with the girls and just put Iris to bed without brushing her teeth or anything. She was fine with it, but it just was so hurried. Then I was pacing around outside with Eloise and trying to breathe. I finally tried calling Matt and couldn't talk to him until 9:30 at which point I was a sobbing mess and was feeling like I was going to die. I didn't even know why. He called SIL and asked her to come over and stay here. As soon as he told me she was coming over I immediately started feeling more normal and by the time she arrived I felt basically back to normal. I actually had a real night of sleep last night, as well. It was so comforting to have SIL here that I felt safe enough to sleep. As Eloise is still boogery and coughing, another mama from school worked for me so I could stay home on sick baby duty. Matt told me he asked SIL to come back again tonight.

So, that's it in a nutshell. Falling apart left and right. It's become glaringly obvious that I need to get to a doctor to figure out what the hell is going on with me. I've never before in my life had panic attacks and last night was certainly the worst I've ever felt. Matt was asking me if there was something that was upsetting me and there wasn't anything. It was so weird. I just was freaking out over nothing, I guess. I don't really know. I suppose that's how panic attacks work, huh? I've just been so beyond grateful for Matt's family for being here for me. I honestly don't know what I would have done if SIL wasn't able to come. I probably would have made Matt, who was already sleep deprived because of his insane work schedule on the road, talk to me the whole night. He wold have, too, because he's awesome like that. Iris and Eloise both have actually been little dreams, too. I mean besides the sickness, they were both happy and well-behaved and pretty much doing all of the things a mama likes so that my life is easier. If Iris had been in one of her sassy moods it could have been soooooo much worse. Last night while I was struggling she was just walking around the living room with some toys poked on to chop sticks pretending they were popsicles. This charade went on for quite some time and I was beyond grateful that she could entertain herself without making things really hard on me.

I just feel so defeated. I wanted to be totally normal and fine and great when Matt was gone. I don't know what happened. It feels like a normal person should have been able to keep everything together.

So Matt will be home tomorrow, in time for Valentine's Day! We are planning a suprise for him, as we couldn't be more excited that he's finally coming home. He's our hero :)


  1. I am so sorry you've had such a rough time. I get panic attacks too... so I know what it's like. I wish I could do something to help you out... I'd watch the girls if I was closer... the Kidlet would love to have Iris to play with!
    I think you're a great momma and considering all you've been through this week, I think you're holding together really well.

    Thanks for your sweet post on my blog yesterday. You made me feel much better.

  2. Oh gosh, I hope you get some relief soon. I wouldn't underestimate the stress that moms feel- so don't beat yourself up about it. You are under a lot of pressure- especially with sickness AND not getting sleep!

  3. I don't know...there's not much harder to me than being home alone with 2 small children. Well, maybe 3 small children, or 4...but you get my point.

    I am so thankful that Matt called on his family for you and that they came through. That was perfect of him and them. Mother in laws can be tough so that is awesome that you are having some good times together.

    See all the good stuff that happened, too? You are doing an excellent job, don't diminish that because you think it's hard. It IS hard, especially dealing with anxiety on top of it. I don't know much about anxiety (except for my own haha) so I don't have any good advice. Sounds like you called on your honey and he came through when you needed it most. He is a hero...and so are you. :) Happy Valentine's Day!

  4. oh goodness! I wish we lived closer because I would totally have taken Iris for you (even though we're a mess!) so you could get a break.

    Dealing with anxiety is NO fun and I agree that you should consult a doctor. Perhaps meds would really help. But I also say that nothing gives me more anxiety than staying home with little e all alone (and Stephen is usually only gone for a day so I can't imagine him leaving for a long time!).

    Hang in there!! I'm glad he's back now :)

  5. Hope you are feeling better soon! Glad he'll be back for Valentine's!

  6. Okay, so the plan is, we'll move to Seattle, and Matt and Big Daddy can coordinate their work trips, and we can communally parent while they're gone. Got it?

    Seriously though, I know how rough it can be. I don't get the panic attacks, but I do have a hard time managing my moods when I'm parenting on my own. I'm glad Matt will be back today. Just take it slow and easy, and go easy on yourself as much as possible.

  7. Now there's a plan I can get behind, QueenieBadd!

    I think that's the worst part of it, for me, is feeling so isolated when I'm home alone. I have soooo little adult interaction.

    Everyone has been saying the nicest things, too, which is helpful. Well, except my mom who apparently thinks everyone in the world she be as independent as she was when she had two children nine months apart. But, anyways, whatever. I can be okay being more dependent!

  8. I've been going through almost the exact same thing. We must talk.


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