Friday, March 09, 2007

This week

After last week, the week of bliss, came this week, the week of, erm, not very much bliss. Bad things tend to happen in groups, right? I have always heard that and it does seem true.

Last Friday we forgot one of our bags (which held my wallet) at the swimming pool, which set off a panic of cancelling credit cards and frustrated phone calls. Luckily, we got the bag back untouched, but I'm still dealing with the cancelled and blocked cards. On Monday I left my favorite baby sling at a coffee shop that is WAY far away from our home. I didn't realize this until Wednesday. On Thursday I had the scariest and freakiest panic attack to date. I called Matt in frenzy begging him to come home from work, which he promptly did, to take care of me and the girls.

However, I hope we're on the upswing. Realizing that we don't really have the luxury to continue with our laissez-faire approach to dealing with my anxiety, Matt and I have made great strides in getting me the right tretment and diagnosis. I am now realizing that my anxiety/panic is accompanied by a severe phobia and where as I just thought, oh, this kind of sucks, I'm now realizing it's actually becoming a serious problem and starting to seriously impact my life. Not that I, or anyone else, ever took my panic and anxiety lightly, we just realized that it is something that we need to focus intensely on fixing it. I know I have written a ton of personal things on my blog for the whole world to read, but I am not really in a place to elaborate much more on this particular topic. It still feels too new and scary to me, I suppose. I am sure I can write more when I can look back at this time from the future, fully healed and functioning normally again.

Along that vein, though, I am starting to feel really angry about how all of this has impacted my ability to enjoy mothering my daughters. I look at them and can't even believe how fast they are growing and how much time is slipping away without me fully relishing in every second of it. I've had a few crappy mothering days this week, but I think today was a bit more stellar. Iris hardly watched much television (during the day at least) and I made a sensory bin filled with rice and let her go to town. She made a mess of all of her toys and had a ton of fun doing it. There were no discipline issues, no screaming, no abusing baby sisters, it was a good day. Eloise was in a great mood, as well, and even napped on her own for an hour! Today I felt like a normal, competent mama and all was right in the world.

4 comments:

  1. Good luck working it all out -power to you!

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  2. Gosh...sorry to hear about the anxiety! I'm glad you are getting it sorted out. I'm sure it will take time, but you are on the right path and hopefully you will soon be feeling yourself!

    Don't you just love those days when you feel like a "normal mother?" I'm having more and more of them and I LOVE it! Here's to more normal mothering days :)

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  3. I'm so sorry about the anxiety. I've been there, not while a momma, but in my early 20s. It was hell. I had a great book at the time that helped me more than any meds... but I can't remember the title... I'll look into it and get back to you.
    I'm rooting for you. And if you ever need to talk... I'm here.

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  4. Thank God for the good days, right? :)

    Whenever I have a really bad mama day and I start feeling down on myself, I try to remember all the kids growing up with soooooo much worse. Not that I am happy I even have something to compare to but it helps me remember that kids are resilient. These are a handful of days out of their entire lives.

    Take good care of yourself...

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