Friday, October 17, 2008

When Iris was the age Eloise is now . . .

. . . . she became a big sister. As of yesterday, actually, Eloise was officially one day shy of 26 months old, the exact same age her big sister was the day she was born. I will always remember Iris being such a big girl. So mature and ready to be a big sister. In contrast, Eloise seems like such a baby. She is so much more needy than her big sister. Still needing lots of help to fall asleep, to attend to all of her, um, issues. In many respects she is much more independent, but I still see her overall as much less mature than her sister was at that age. Of course, with Iris, I had to see her as more mature. There was a baby coming! She had to be the big sister whether she was ready to be or not. I had to see her in that light. My attention was focusing on a new little being. Eloise, however, will now forever be my baby. There will be no more kids in our future. She will be my baby just as I am my mother's baby, even though I am 31 years old.

I have never once since Eloise's birth had even the slightest inkling that I wanted another child. Every day I struggle with the two I've got. Wondering when it gets even the slightest bit easier. When my girls will actually play well together, stop beating on each other, stop screaming at each other, etc etc? I was admiring my sister's boys when I was in Milwaukee, how well they get along and how little they fight. My sister reminded me several times that her boys are 5 and 8, worlds away from 2 and 4. Yes, I will just keep reminding myself. I suppose my biggest fear is that when they are, say, 6 and 8, the fighting will still be there, just much more violent and escalating as they grow older and bigger and stronger.

I have really enjoyed saying goodbye to all of the baby stuff in our home. Passing along clothes and other baby items, just getting rid of the things we will never again use. I get excited thinking about next year, with Iris in kindergarten full time and Eloise in preschool four mornings a week. About growing past that stage where I am needed 24/7. About becoming more of a person separate from being a mother. I talk to Matt about what I will do with myself when I have more time, will I get a job? Doing what? What can I even do? What do I even want to do? Matt, being the world's most amazing husband and father, has told me that I should take this opportunity to do something I would really love, regardless of how much money it brings it. Imagine the possibilities! No, really, imagine them. Because I can't. So please, if you can imagine a few for me, let me know! My brain can't even wrap my head around what to do this weekend let alone what to do for a *gasp* career. Or even just a job.

Iris has a friend over today, a boy from school. Their little sister's go to school together on Friday mornings and the boy's mom brought Eloise in today while I watch him. He and Iris are playing so well together, they have been for an hour and a half, that I have showered, blogged, read emails, it's like heaven. I have listened intently on their conversation, interjecting only when Iris gets overly bossy ("pretend you are the brother, okay? You be the brother." "No." "No? But you have to be!" ad nauseum). I was thinking of dragging them out of the house to do something fun, but I am not sure if I should interrupt their imaginative play. Hmmm.


  1. Its challenging for me to still be in "baby mode". I've always intended to have a large family and though I have been rethinking my preferred spacing, my mind/heart/uterus are just expecting to bring at least several more children into the world.

    Every once in a while, I get fed up and decide that since everyone else is talking about it, I need to start planning the future. In reality, by the time my youngest is self sufficeint enough for me to do something new, I'll be 45+, particularly since we intend to homeschool.

    I finally just have come to terms with the fact that I am going to be a SAHM for years and years and years. It has helped me to enjoy my lifestyle more.


  2. The way I feel about my two yo is so similar to how you feel about Eloise. He is still very much my baby even though he is the age his sister was when he was born. I remember thinking how huge she was when she was nursing after he was born, but he doesn't seem to be big at all.

    I also look forward to a time when they both are out of the house a little bit at the same time that I am apprehensive about another person or people having more influence on them than I do.


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