Thursday, May 07, 2009

Matt is on his way home. In fact, I expect him to come through the door any moment and the screaming of excited little girls, who are up waaaaay past their bedtime, will commence.

This has been the hardest solo parenting gig yet. I can't believe I made it through in one piece. There were moments of great, but many more moments of hanging on by a thread. Today was a disaster. While we were on our way to drive past a few houses Iris was counting away in the back seat. She got to 100 with very little help, but decided to try again. She asked me "what is after 30?" and I said "31" and clearly that wasn't the answer she was looking for because she got pissed and threw her Sigg water bottle at my head. While I was driving. It hurt, alot, and I absolutely freaked out. I had to pull over and I was screaming at her and shaking. I was so grateful that she fell asleep shortly after that so I could drive the next hour or so in complete quiet as the girls both slept. While they were asleep I came within inches of smashing in to a car on the freeway. When I thought I was going to hit the car I slammed on the brakes and closed my eyes-- for a split second. I KNEW I was going to hit the car, but I didn't. I can't even believe I didn't. Again, I was shaking. I was glad the girls didn't wake up because of the near-miss.

After we got home I was so short with the girls and so upset over squabbling and ignoring me (though frankly, I felt like ignoring me too). I don't think I've ever yelled at them as much as I have this past week. I have been doing so, so, SO good being more patient and mindful overall but this week I wasn't given a single break. In five solid days, no breaks. The girls even slept with me, which made for less than restful sleep each night.

Tonight I just broke down. I am so mad and sad and stressed and this all just sucks. Should it be this hard? I just kept thinking that I wish constantly that I had my own "village". A community of families that helped each other more. In times like this week, I am desperately in need, but other times I always feel like I have the energy to help others out. If only I knew families that craved that kind of give and take as much as I do.

Some of my mama friends from a little message board will write about being overwhelmed, how they wish they had some help more than they do. I truly truly wish I could be there for them. I wish I could go over and rock babies, bring big kids to the park, wash dishes and fold laundry and give these amazing women the break that they need when they reach the point I was at this week. I know how desperate and dangerous that place is and it sucks how many of us go through it without support.

So anyways, that's my rant for the night. I am looking forward to this weekend and taking some much deserved breaks. We're going to look at houses tomorrow, too, so maybe we'll find something perfect!

2 comments:

  1. (((HUGS))) I completely know what you mean. I need help that I don't get too. This parenting gig, ESPECIALLY the Stay-At-Home Mom gig is SO much more difficult than anyone gives us credit for. It's tough, tough, tough.
    Hang in there, hon.

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  2. Don't beat yourself up Babe. Turns out that yelling at our terrible children is oftentimes the only way to get their attention!

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