My head hurts. And I'm tired. And I'm cranky.
Tonight I am angry with Iris. I hate to say this, but sometimes, I just want her to go away. I don't wish anything bad to happen, of course, but I just sort of wish that the she had a fairy godparent to come and whisk her away for a few days and then I could just . . . . relax.
Tonight I am angry at the stupid effing sticker charts that we started for the girls. The sticker charts which, I am starting to see quite clearly, really haven't changed their behavior at all. And yet, we stuck to it, and rewarded them with stupid Barbie houses which I half want to throw in the garbage. Because we bought them based on sticker charts that didn't change anything. They were rewards for our girls basically not changing at all.
Tonight I am angry, but not in a way that makes me scary ugly screaming crazy mom, but in a way that makes me want to shake my fists at the universe. I am angry that I have a child who is so. freaking. hard. I know, it's a pity party, I know it could be so much worse, right? But still. How can we work THIS hard and STILL have a child who is so hurtful, physically and emotionally, to the people in her life.
Tonight I am angry that I got an email response from Iris's teacher and I come to find out they are doing everything in the classroom I could ever hope for them to be doing, and still, nothing is changing.
Tonight I am angry that I am reading several books right now about how to parent my difficult child and I just want to scream at the pages and tell the authors to just come to my house and fix my child right this second because most days I don't feel like I have anything left in me to do the job myself, pleaseandthankyou.
It feels like the recurring theme right now is: work your ass off, but nothing will change.
It sort of feels like maybe I should stop working on it, because, you know, the result will be no different. I am feeling like this about Iris, as well as about myself. I think the only thing I have worked just as hard on as I have with this stuff with Iris is trying to lose weight and get in to shape. And guess what, despite intense amounts of daily effort, nothing has changed.
Tonight I am angry that I ever thought that effort equalled results. Because it soooooo doesn't.
P.S. this is my 1000th post. Yay for me!