Monday, December 17, 2012

Mothers' Fear

Oh, hello. I am blogging again because I am avoiding doing my never-ending to-do list. Funny how that happens. I have been mulling over posts in my mind over the past few days but didn't really want to post some ramblings about running without first taking a minute to touch on the heart-breaking shootings in Newtown, CT. Every single condolence that can be said, has been said, and so much more eloquently than I can say it. As a mother, all I can add is, I am so deeply sorry. And as a mother, naturally my thoughts immediately went to, "what if those kids were my kids?" My daughter is six. It isn't hard to let your mind go there, but really, you just can't. What does that solve? Adding to your own fear doesn't alleviate even one tiny ounce of the grief of another mother whose baby is gone. 

When I heard about the shootings, one of the many, many thoughts I had was, "how am I going to explain this to my daughters?" I assumed they hadn't found out yet when I picked them up from school on Friday, (and thankfully, they hadn't) and that I was going to have to tell them, lest they hear it somewhere else first.  Last spring when there was a murderer on the loose in my neighborhood, leaving his car just three blocks from my daughter's school and one block from my house, my kindergartner's school was in a real lock down. I just thought, how can I tell my six year old that children were killed in their school, when the memory of a dangerous man wandering her own neighborhood is still lingering? How can I help her truly know she is safe? It felt like too much. On the advise of a psychologist, we decided to not tell either of our girls what happened. I assume they will eventually hear about it, and will be there to answer questions as gently as I can when that time comes. At that time I hope to be able to say "since that happened our city/state/country has done X,Y,Z to make kids even safer in schools" but sadly, I doubt that will be the case. Instead I will simply assure them they are safe, while internally crushing under the fear of not knowing for sure that they are. 

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